So, it seems that I've fallen back into old habits. I've been MIA, and I apologize to whoever cares. Things have been interesting for the last few weeks. As I hinted in the previous post, I've been on a path of self discovery, and it's led me to uncharted territory. I've met new people who may turn out to be just insane enough to carry me along with them. Somehow, it doesn't feel like the blind leading the blind.
Orientation started last week and ended Friday. It's amazing how much of a sense of camaraderie can develop between like minded individuals who just happen to be strangers. All in all, things have been going smoothly. I really missed writing here and I didn't realize how much it helps until my fingers started composing what you see now. My sleep has been fitful, and rest has been elusive. I think it has something to do with the change in locale--however cerebral. I'm hoping that I'll find some stability before classes start and I'm forced to operate with a helter-skelter sense of balance. It's bad enough that I'm already intellectually insecure; I really don't need to add emotional instability to the, already complicated, equation.
Maybe I need music to re-appear in my life, or maybe I need someone to come along and hold me and tell me that everything will be alright. Despite the crowd, I feel as lonely as I've ever felt, and I can't help but think that I'll learn to be numb to it before any relief will come. I'm so picky, so skeptical, so vulnerable that trust never enters the picture--neither for myself nor another. It's insanity; I know. Still I can't help but feel the silence and shiver at the thought of how cold it gets.
Music, why so soft? Hope, why so quiet? Time, why so still? Help, why so far? I read somewhere that "courage doesn't always roar", that "sometimes courage is the quiet voice a the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'"
...I apologize for being so personal...
3 comments:
No apologies necessary, Clay, at least from my camp, either for being personal or for being MIA. You've certainly been living a lot of new life lately. I admire you for taking the risks into this new journey.
(Where are you studying again? I want to say Columbia . . . ?)
I can relate to what you said about the amazing camaraderie that can develop between like-minded people who happen to be strangers. I just started a new grad program online with a bunch of strangers who care deeply about the subject matter, just like I do. Even though we're strangers and even though we're learning in an online environment, somehow it still becomes personal and real so quickly. I think it's because we care about the subject and we intentionally care about each other. That makes all the difference.
What you wrote at the end there is so poetic but also sad. I feel like I can say "I feel you" because of those words and what they evoked in me. I'm sorry for the loneliness. Sometimes I think loneliness is what hell must really be like. Its pain is like no other.
I'm sorry that you feel lonely, but you are not alone. It's hard to imagine how someone as sharp as you can feel intellectually insecure, but I guess we all do at some points.
You are one of the most courageous people I know. I hope you start gettin some rest. Glad you're writing again.
You defintely don't need to apologize for being personal. Your openness and vulnerability are a blessing to those who read. Thank you.
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