Tuesday, April 12, 2005


It's been a while since I’ve written my last entry. But the fact is, in the time between this and the last one I have changed so much that I wouldn't have been able to articulate my thoughts and feeling adequately enough for anyone ( let alone myself) to understand any time before now. The decision that I spoke of in the previous post proved to be harder to make then I had ever anticipated it to be, and in rereading it I understand why.

The realization that my mental and emotional stability rested on this decision and consequent group of decisions eluded me, and in doing so it threw me for a loop that was worthy of its own name and mini-gift shop. In trying to feel my way toward the right decision, I subjected myself to feelings and thoughts that arrested the development of any attempted thought process other then that which involved the conclusion of this search. I became entangled by the idea of finding the one, true, right answer, and all of my efforts (in order to avoid the anguish which was a result of resting in a lukewarm state of being) were put into trying to find it as immediately as possible. I failed to realize however that encouraging and allowing my mind to operate in such a hyper extended, overworked fashion was causing me more pain and harm then the solution would eventually relieve. When this did finally dawn on me, it put everything into its proper perspective.

I understand now that just as an individual can’t expect to run if he or she doesn't first learn to walk, I can not come to an answer if I do not first allow myself to recognize and complete the steps that are normally required for an acceptable solution. I can no longer try to view situations as if they all have some common theme because, in all actuality, they often don't. I must therefore learn to take things more slowly and give myself enough time to properly adapt to the problems at hand, thereby avoiding my tendency to prematurely expend what little energy I have allotted for taking care of truly vital, internal struggles. Most importantly I came to understand that deliberate, steady progress is stable and preferable to quick and erratic counterpart.

To live is to learn. I just wish that the lessons weren’t so pricey.