"I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there."
I was thinking today about where I'm headed, because, for some reason, it seems that the farther I travel down my personal road, the less I know about the destination. The journey is important. I know. Still, I'm wondering if the means are working toward any perceivable--let alone justifiable--end. I mean, I'm all for exercising my individuality. I understand the singular nature of my particular walk, and even agree with the ideology that a little travel and experience ultimately leads to a better and more fulfilled life; I'm just wondering if all this aimless wandering is completely necessary.
This question, though generally applicable to almost every aspect of my life, is particularly geared to where my head and heart is at spiritually. I know I rarely talk about this here (or anywhere, for that mater) but a conversation with a dear friend sparked what is growing to be a particularly unruly flame of discontent.
Have you ever sat trying to wrap your mind around or identify something that is perpetually out of reach--even if only just barely? What's amazing about such a predicament is that it sometimes takes only a few words from an extrinsic source to transform that cloudy, nebulous "something" into a clear, distinctly important, conception of an often deeply affecting part of your personal reality. Making this specific to my situation, I’ve known for a while now that a once barely comprehensible concept has been making itself more and more apparent. Narrowing this broad stroke even further, I'm coming to the point where my spiritual journey is, for the first time, being laid before me.
* * *
As the aforementioned friend intimated, the hand holding process has ended and the path to self-discovery and spiritual fulfillment is now mine to choose. With all of this before me, I'm wondering if the way that I've been led-- a way that has been anything but "less traveled"-- has hindered me from ever being able to make it on my own. If I'm walking the path that those before me have walked, how am I supposed to choose anything other than what those before me have chosen? I guess I'm wondering if my confusion lies in the fact that I'm expected to come up with an individual understanding of something that has hitherto relied on (and, presently, all but demands) communal construal.
* * *
I don't agree with half of what most people believe in this faith. This makes things all the more difficult considering that I can't seem to differentiate between the plural reality of "the" faith and the--more important--singular reality "my" faith. I'm stuck with walking the thin line between what is progressive and what is blasphemous, and it's completely clouding any vision of the future. I'm not quite following in the footsteps of those I have grown to respect and love, and I am nowhere near coming into my own. Instead of venturing down a discernible path, I'm pushing my way through the dense, inhibiting, brush that lies between the two, and I don't know how long I can keep it up. The foliage is stinging, blinding and disorienting, and I'm loosing sight of either way.
Do I play it safe, or boldly go where none has gone before? Seriously, either way I choose I'll be letting a part of me down. I don't want the religious answers, despite how comfortingly numbing they can sometimes be. I don't want a connection based on a historically perpetuated system that has become disconnected from its founding principles. I want a relationship. One that is not predicated on what I've done to atone for past occurrences I could not control. I want to be loved, and to love unconditionally. I want to feel needed and to need. I want to consistently practice what I preach and follow a God that does the same. I don't want the God that my mother, father or peers believe in. I want the God who truly loves me despite my (many) faults and who I can love in return; the one who is as ashamed of what "our" faith has become as I am; the one for whom I am enough and who is enough for me.
I am truly sorry if this offends anyone, for that isn't my intent. I'm merely verbalizing what has been stirring up so much internal dust as of late. Hopefully, this will be the first step toward some rehabilitating clarity.
This question, though generally applicable to almost every aspect of my life, is particularly geared to where my head and heart is at spiritually. I know I rarely talk about this here (or anywhere, for that mater) but a conversation with a dear friend sparked what is growing to be a particularly unruly flame of discontent.
Have you ever sat trying to wrap your mind around or identify something that is perpetually out of reach--even if only just barely? What's amazing about such a predicament is that it sometimes takes only a few words from an extrinsic source to transform that cloudy, nebulous "something" into a clear, distinctly important, conception of an often deeply affecting part of your personal reality. Making this specific to my situation, I’ve known for a while now that a once barely comprehensible concept has been making itself more and more apparent. Narrowing this broad stroke even further, I'm coming to the point where my spiritual journey is, for the first time, being laid before me.
* * *
As the aforementioned friend intimated, the hand holding process has ended and the path to self-discovery and spiritual fulfillment is now mine to choose. With all of this before me, I'm wondering if the way that I've been led-- a way that has been anything but "less traveled"-- has hindered me from ever being able to make it on my own. If I'm walking the path that those before me have walked, how am I supposed to choose anything other than what those before me have chosen? I guess I'm wondering if my confusion lies in the fact that I'm expected to come up with an individual understanding of something that has hitherto relied on (and, presently, all but demands) communal construal.
* * *
I don't agree with half of what most people believe in this faith. This makes things all the more difficult considering that I can't seem to differentiate between the plural reality of "the" faith and the--more important--singular reality "my" faith. I'm stuck with walking the thin line between what is progressive and what is blasphemous, and it's completely clouding any vision of the future. I'm not quite following in the footsteps of those I have grown to respect and love, and I am nowhere near coming into my own. Instead of venturing down a discernible path, I'm pushing my way through the dense, inhibiting, brush that lies between the two, and I don't know how long I can keep it up. The foliage is stinging, blinding and disorienting, and I'm loosing sight of either way.
Do I play it safe, or boldly go where none has gone before? Seriously, either way I choose I'll be letting a part of me down. I don't want the religious answers, despite how comfortingly numbing they can sometimes be. I don't want a connection based on a historically perpetuated system that has become disconnected from its founding principles. I want a relationship. One that is not predicated on what I've done to atone for past occurrences I could not control. I want to be loved, and to love unconditionally. I want to feel needed and to need. I want to consistently practice what I preach and follow a God that does the same. I don't want the God that my mother, father or peers believe in. I want the God who truly loves me despite my (many) faults and who I can love in return; the one who is as ashamed of what "our" faith has become as I am; the one for whom I am enough and who is enough for me.
I am truly sorry if this offends anyone, for that isn't my intent. I'm merely verbalizing what has been stirring up so much internal dust as of late. Hopefully, this will be the first step toward some rehabilitating clarity.
7 comments:
First and foremost I want to applaud you for having the courage to share such a personal matter. Through many conversations I've had over the past few years, I'm discovering that many young people are beginning to raise questions concerning spirituality. I suspect that for centuries, there have been groups of people who have encountered internal qualms with "tradition", but I believe as we move forward more people are coming forth with their inquiries.
I've struggled with a similar problem for most of my life. At points in my spiritual journey I thought that I had finally come to some conclusion, and then there would be events in my life that would force me back into a state of confusion and anxiety. But what I've come to truly understand and believe is that we must all find our own way.
After having read and reread scripture; sought counsel etc. I completely empathize with your desire to want a God whose love is unconditional, and despite what the masses preach: that God does exist. It is why he is such an amazing God, because unlike humans, his love and mercy are such that what we do does not overshadow who we are to him.
Unfortunately we are trapped between what we desire and understand and what others want us to believe. This may sound completely cliché, but you have to choose your own path and in many instances in life that will mean abandoning the path others have had you walk for so long. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
May peace be with you.
Love
clay,
i too was moved by this post and applaud your honesty. dymir's response was incredible . . . whereas i'm sitting over here with tons of thoughts that aren't coherent and one overarching feeling that transcends thought that probably, if i did try to put it into words, would simply be a feeling that combines pain, elation, freedom, pride, commiseration, and sadness.
we do have to walk our own path. and as much as we walk it alone (man, that lonely feeling really sucks), i'm also learning into this notion that God is there with each of us as we walk it . . . that he, in fact, is altogether intentional with us and is not in any way swayed or surprised or dismayed by the many paths each of us take toward the depths of him. and even in some ways, there can be comfort in knowing that even the ancients wrestled with these questions of a personal God. sometimes "the communion of the saints" becomes such an overwhelming presence that it knocks me over and comforts me at the same time. i can't believe our God is big enough to transcend the centuries and milleniums full of questions and pilgrims who are all feeling their way toward him in the dark.
it's been so good to hear from you more of late. you have a marvelous way of expressing yourself. i could read your words for a long time and not get tired of it.
Thanks so much. Really, you have no idea how comforting your words have been. It definitely isn't easy, but having people like you around to lend a helping hand makes things a little more bearable. Christianne, your light brightens up the darkest situation. I really appreciate your words. Dymir, you're just too awesome. Thanks for sticking around despite the constant ups and downs.
Clayton, I am so sorry for being so aloof lately. So much has been going on in my personal life. I have really neglected the blogworld. I miss everybody sorely.
Your words here seem like a series of dot-to-dots. You've given just enough dots to give an impression of what is going on in your life. But, sadly, I am certain that I could never connect them all accurately enough to get a perfect picture.
You veil so much and yet make so much manifest. That paradox is not any easy matter to grasp.
I am sorry about the other night. I wish I could've called back sooner. Please call again soon. I want you to connect some dots for me. :)
I hope to start reading everyone's blogs again soon, and maybe even put a few up. I'm really glad to see that you're posting more frequently.
I miss the richness of your friendship and the depth of your compassion.
I have much to say but lack the time to say it in, so I'll just say...amen.
Where are you man? I've actually posted a couple times since last we spoke. (That is a hint that you haven't called in a good minute!)
where are you taking me-why are we turning here
this road is strange to me-this path is not so clear
must be the place where my doubt turns to faith
where I close my eyes and take your hand
CHORUS:
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than walk in the light on my own
I'd rather go through the valley of the shadow with him
Than to dance on the mountains alone
I'd rather follow wherever he leads me
Than to go where none before me have gone
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than to walk in the light of my own
I've made some plans you know-mapped out a strategy
Somebody tell me where did the seasons go-have you forgotten me
I've heard the darkest hour is just before dawn
And wherever you are the sun will shine
CHORUS
There will be shadows-but I won't be shaken
'Cause you've never forsaken a vow
You've never failed me before this I know
And, Jesus, you won't fail me now
Clayton so many things you said here reminds me of this song. I used to play this song a lot when i was so broken i thought nothing could put me back together again. In many ways i still live with that same despair of, "what am i doing, where am i going, and what is going on?"
I wish i could say something profound that would "poof" all your anxiety away, but in the real world that probably won't happen. The most i can do is say, i feel ya.
love to you my friend and peace to you in your searching.......
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