Monday, December 25, 2006

Finally growing....

"In the end, you're gonna find that strength that lies within, and in the end, all you need is the comfort of a friend, and in the end, you won't break cuz you're learning how to bend, and the hand of God will guide you always, in the end"- Eric Bene't

Truer words have (as far as I've known) never been spoken. The fact that I'm writing this on this day, the two year anniversary of this journal, is no coincidence. It's apropos of everything. I've essentially reached a place in my life where intentionally habituated hypocrisy has caused me to choose between the theory of who I profess to be and the reality of who I actually am. It's amazing how kindness and self sacrificing can be the ultimate form of selfishness. I've been holding on to something that has been itching to be free, and I (up until this point) couldn't bear to let it go. Inwardly philosophizing and outwardly satisfying to keep this in my life despite the fact that it was slowly killing me inside, I’ve nearly ruined myself. The taste of masochism is sometimes so sweet.

And now, on this day of all days, I have come full circle and am, in the acknowledgement and commitment to set free the mutual bonds/binds, reborn in a renewal of my dedication to the upkeep of my inner man. It is finished, and the life of undermining my own progress is over. “I vow, right now, to never be the same". I will no longer support the procession of continuously self inflicted decadence. I am stronger now.

I realize that I’ve been blocking the potential inherent in my maturity through my repudiation of growth past that stage in life. I was effectively retarding the progression of the manifestation of my destiny by refusing to possess land in my life that lay beyond the baby stage of perpetual self gratification. I had to reach a point in which I could be content with the idea of delayed satisfaction in order for me to grasp the totality of what was in store for me, and, today, I am here.

For all who have helped me on this journey, I thank you. For your months of unacknowledged support, for the endless nights of sleepless suffering, for the weeks of unrequited consideration, for the unspoken love in every sacrifice, I am eternally grateful. I couldn't have remained the person I am without your unacknowledged struggle. I appreciate and love you. I only pray I will live long enough to adequately return the favor. Have a wonderful Christmas....

Happy birthday journal.