It's been longer than usual, as I've bounced consistently between laziness, business, and general overwhelmedness (think King James pronunciation). I'm graduating in a couple months; I’m moving out of my parent’s house (completely) in a few more, and I'm making one of the most important decisions ever. I think it's hilarious that the last post revolved around feelings of inadequacy and fears of possible failure, when I now have a tremendous choice on my hands. I was given advice and encouragement which I, at the time, saw as overly confident in abilities I knew I did not posses. Tremendously grateful, I still remained a cynic. I felt out of my league, out of my depth, and out of my mind for even attempting something as presumptuous as applying for graduate study...
In the first couple months after that post my fears were validated. Rejections did abound, and there came, despite the pain, a twinge of underlying vindication. It seemed as though I was right after all. My pride began to glaze over, and I went on as if none of it was happening. But then there was February 25th...
After that day, three acceptances came in rapid succession, and now I'm standing here, yet undecided...
* * *
I can't shake the burden of incompetence that has consistently afflicted every area of my life. People try to encourage me, and I am heartened by, what I perceive to be, genuine praise. Still, the load does not let up. I see that they both mean and believe what they say; I just can't seem to receive it. I've been able to cope with this over the years. Blending into the crowd has provided a bubble of anonymity that has served to hide my glaring insufficiencies. But now I'm entering an arena of singular accomplishments, and that bubble is in the process of rabidly bursting. My cover is failing.
At this point, I've narrowed the decision down to two. Why can't they see me? A bubble isn't by any means the most effective method of concealment. It's transparent; it’s insubstantial; it’s tenuous. And still they perceive something; something that, at this point, is neither the bubble, nor the man that stands behind it, because neither is worth the effort they're putting forth. I wish to God I knew what it was....
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
What you ask for...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
It's You.
Luckily the view outside of the bubble looking in is a lot clearer than inside the bubble looking out. Your view is distorted, sorta like the fun house mirrors, but what we all see is in perfect focus.
Whatever your decision I will support you... as much as I humanly can... from as close by or far away as I find myself. And so as long as you see a distorted, blurry, unidentifiable image in the mirror, I will try my hardest to relate to you the truth and validity of what all the rest of us see. You don't have to believe, you just have to keep being you, and you'll keep living up to your potential.
Congrats Hun!!!!
Clayton,
Piggybacking on Andrea's comment: Do you remember when I was showing you around Princeton and we went into the ice cream parlor? And in that ice cream parlor there was an old fun-house mirror that distorted our appearances.
Do you remember the crazy thing I told you I had done when we stood in that place? Do you remember the anxiety and confusion in my voice when I reflected on it?
Well, believe it or not, I have survived that. And what you are experiencing (at least in some ways) is no more life changing than that event I shared with you -- even though they are both most certainly life changing.
Now there is a second reason I chose that example, more than just the fact that Andrea's comment about the fun-house mirrors brought it to mind; more than the uncertainty and tension new experiences can bring. I recalled that story because I wanted to let you know that I found enough worth in you, enough confidence in you, enough love, enough trust in you that I would share one of my most personal experiences with you . . . and do it so easily (as easy as that kind of thing can be).
What I'm trying to say to you is this: whatever it is that I see in you, others surely see. And if they miss it, it's not because those qualities are absent in you, it's because the ability to see those qualities is absent in them.
You are the kind of person that I can share anything with. You have been that for years. I don't take that lightly. And that caliber of person can make it anywhere, doing just about anything.
My little brother, you have all of my support . . . all of it! And who knows, I might not be living too far from you in just a little while? Much Love.
hi Clayton
peace and love to ya in your journey.
Ummmm . . . you never come here anymore huh? This is a freakin ghost town . . . cyber tumble weeds and all.
Anyway, I selected you and Andrea for a meme. Check my blog for details.
I like the new look. Hope you feel better soon. Call me and let me know what the doc says. :)
WOW! I must say that this post actually inspired me and brought some water to my eyes. It was so poetic and well written; especially the last two paragraphs. I have to say I agree with the previous comments WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
You are certainly not invisible. I feel comfortable saying that even though I don't really know you. I have come across you a couple of times and I believe I have even been introduced to you once or twice and I most certainly noticed you and remember; that's genuine impact.
Additionally, I felt so moved by this post that I called a friend immediately and read the last two paragraphs to her and she was as blown as I was by its depth. Congrats and be encouraged.
This just may be the most random thing I have ever done; both reading and commenting on your blog. It actually leads me to consider doing one of my own, lol. Thanks for the insight into your person.
Thank you. I never know if I'm making sense to anyone, because i barely ever make sense to myself. I'm glad that I could in some way help, even if only a little. If you do decide to start up one of these here blogs, let me know. I'd love to be a part of your audience.
Post a Comment