It feels like it's time again. The weeks go by so quickly. School has started and I’m still in quasi-summer mode. The predictions I made in my last post have come true, and time has, seemingly, acquired a couple red bulls and sprouted wings. It's in the stratosphere somewhere and doesn’t seem to have any plans on coming back down. I'm doing my best to keep up.
I sat and talked last night for hours and couldn’t help but feel that I’d left the conversation with even less understanding than I started. So many things are going on in my life right now, all outward and inward struggles against the pressures of knowing my purpose of existence, and the only course of action left to me seems to be something that I’m not quite comfortable with.
Since the first (in retrospect forced) social interactions of my freshman year, I’ve been a fish out of water, flapping around, praying, waiting, struggling for the evolution that would transform my pitiful floundering into confident strides. Yet still I feel I’m outside of my box, both baffled by the realization that I am no longer completely content in my solitude, and shaken by the fact that I am uncomfortably inept socially, I sit, struggling to reenter against a sea of emotional backlash.
I've grown too much to fit in my box and have evolved too far to survive in the water. In nurturing one side of my life, another has died leaving "the point of no return" as its epitaph. I've been reborn and am forced to learn to walk again. Now, longing for companionship and desiring interaction, totally lost and strangely afraid, I am completely and utterly dumfounded.
Uncertainty is rarely comforting, and true change is never easy.
2 comments:
Search through everything, all the misgivings, all the anger, all the confusion in the situation and find the one thing you know to be true without any doubts. That one thing that you are willing to place all of your bets on, that you can base all of your frustrations and decisions on. Once you find that one absolute truth, make a intuitive decision from it. Make a rational belief that can follow from the groundwork of that initial truth and continue from there. As long as you know that one first thing you can always return there and form your beliefs from there, you can always derive how you feel about something, some new development, from that truth that you will never have reason to doubt. Use that truth as long as you are in the situation to keep you grounded, to keep you from losing yourself in an abyss of confusion, and don’t let anyone pull you out of what you know to be true for yourself, and don't make any decisions that contradict that truth, because then you start to deny who you are. And no matter how small or inconsequential the truth might seem, if you know it to be true, if you truly believe it, then it will continue to guide you. Find yourself among the confusion, don’t let others' emotions make you break the foundation you have created. And if the day comes where you need to change the foundation that you have created for yourself, make sure that what you alter it to is no less true than what you had before. Ground yourself on an emotion that isn’t flimsy, one that you know is strong enough to get you through the hard times that will come if they haven't already. You are already on your way to finding a path through the unknown territory, just don’t be afraid because its unfamiliar, you can bring a unique and unbiased perspective to all situations that you are new to. Create your own comfort zone instead of trying to fit into someone else's, and then you don’t have to learn to evolve, you will already be adapted to it. You're right, uncertainty is rarely comforting but it does lead to immense self-discovery.
mmmmmm hmmmmmmm
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