Tuesday, July 26, 2005

debilitating idleness...

I realize now that one can be inwardly bored while being the exact opposite outwardly. I was previously blaming this boredom, a lethargic anti-energy that engulfed my every move, on my lack of steady employment/mobile activity, but when I started to work 4 days a week I saw where I was mistaken. I realized that this boredom came form some place much more deeply rooted and long running. It apparently originated in the mental restlessness that was the unfailing boon of my quest to find what I truly wanted to do in life.

I didn't come to this realization right away of course. What is life if not a continuously increasing sequence of consecutive and varyingly conclusive attempts of trial and error? I did know that I was close when I tried to write this deep seeded boredom off as a result of exiting the intellectually stimulating atmosphere of college (that wasn't sarcasm, I promise) and entering the safe and familiar world of home. But as every child who argues with his or her parent about the various "almosts" and (later on in adolescence) "relativelys" of life knows, almost only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and anything that isn't exactly what a parent requires of his or her child.

After realizing the connection between this oft used statement and my current situation I soon stopped kidding myself and got down to the nitty gritty. It occurred to me that the mental complacency from which I suffered was indeed a result of me leaving a place that necessitated the admittedly draining activity of 'thinking', but it was not the express cause of my boredom. I eventually concluded that it was not the end but the means that bothered me. Needless to say this made me nervous. It implied that the severity of this need for constant mental activity/challenge would relegate the only contentment I would ever find to avoiding the things that were often associated with being content.

No wonder I can't decide what I want to do in life; I have an apparently ardent desire to continue the habitual search for the rest of it. I now have to figure out how to convince my subconscious that profession is not necessarily synonymous with pigeonhole (though it knows better) but is indicative of specialization which ultimately alludes to the opportunity for in-depth analyses. I guess it would help if the conscious part of me actually believed it as well.

Here’s to successful autopersuation...

6 comments:

yanachick said...

I think you should just take every class you can get every degree you can until you're depressingly broke and millions of dollars in debt then see what kind of job you want then! LOL

Drea said...

You know the first time I reads this somehow i don't think it truly sunk in. So i re read it and it, of course, makes complete sense. Profession is not synonymous with pigeonhole however it is hard to imagine somehow directing my course of thought in one direction long enough for a career to take shape. I dont think i'm content unless i'm thinking however i constantly run from any type of thought process. Ok i'm rambling again, and off topic rambling at that...I completely empathize with what you're saying here even more so with my deep desire to return to school as immediately as possible just to think about something other than how hot it is outside. Oh yeah sorry about the long comment....i'm bad at shutting up.

Clay said...

thanx for the comment, glad to know that I was actually making sense and don't worry...that shutting up thing isn't my forte either...

yanachick said...

WOW CLAY I just realized U guys are aso sweet you named your cat after me. J. Angelica D.

Anonymous said...

hey, how are you?

Anonymous said...

hey up
how do i put my signature thingy at the bottom