Sunday, October 30, 2005

Work in progress.....

I have a question. What does a person do when he or she, after finally realizing what is destined to be his or her calling, chooses to forsake it in order to be in good societal standing and to shield himself from the possibility of complete and total failure? If any of you who read this (assuming that anyone does) has an answer, I would like for you to contact me as soon as possible, because I am at a loss.

All of my previous posts about being unsure of my direction in life stem from not knowing the answer to this question. To put it in explicit terms (for those who do not know me personally) I am the epitome of a person existing outside of his calling, and it hurts me to no end. I am a follower of the belief that whatever it is I wake up in the morning and think about doing, whatever it is I dream of night and day, whatever it is that causes a joy in me that is surpassed by nothing else is essentially what I should devote my life to doing. Honestly and truly this idea is all well and good if one finds joy in doing something that would guarantee an (at least) stable means of living, but if a person who believes him or herself to be worth too much to gamble his or her prosperity on a path in life that is less stable then a tightrope walking elephant, how does this person cope with ( apparently needed) self imposed relegation. Better yet, what does this person do if he or she knows that the path to which they are called is one on which he or she performs exceptionally well. Is this person justified in taking a gamble in his or her future, or is it more imperative that the person think about the possible contributions that he or she is sure to be recognized and or thanked for in a field that is seen to be a more acceptable manifestation of his or her intellect and cognitive abilities? In plain English: should I pursue a music career or should I keep my future vested in the English/Political Science realm of thinking that is now my major scholastic focus?

I've tried integrating music into my life as an auxiliary occupant of my time and mental/creative energies, but truth be told it's not enough, because when I participate in activities with those individuals who have devoted their lives to the pursuit of happiness through this facet of inspired expression, I realize the void that is left in my life. It is a void that I have tried to cover with an alternate usage of my talents. It isn't that I am ignorant of the fact that covering this life problem will only result in a cursory quasi solution for an extensively actual predicament. I know full well that covering this void will only suffice in temporarily securing me through a day to day existence. I am even more aware of the fact that I will never be truly content with pursuing something other than what I feel I was born to do. My conundrum is not a result of a lack of understanding. No. The cause of it (put bluntly) is the lack of huevos and mental wherewithal that is required of me to pursue my life dream.

I try to normally end my posts on a positive or an at least objectively conclusive note, but this one seems to be too important to try to prematurely draw a close to solely for the purpose of perpetuating a sense of continuity. I'll just say that, for now, this problem is still a work in progress.