That four letter word...

It's been a while, and I must admit it would have been longer had I not made a conscious effort to make an attempt at writing something. I guess I was scared that by writing what I am about to, I would cross a threshold in this here web journal of mine. A point of no returns so to speak. It's kind of ironic that what lies at the root of my reluctance is what has caused me to open up in ways I had never dreamed possible. To put it bluntly, that often indescribable, increasingly commercial, totally under/overrated and grossly misused four letter word has crept past all of my outer social and emotional defenses and taken root at the very core of my soul. I know, up until this point I have spared you of the ordinary and admittedly mushy ideas that this four letter word brings to mind and I intend to continue to keep this journal that way...for the most part at least. I just thought that to avoid including this into the stockpile of feelings and beliefs that I have accumulated here over the months would be a horrible injustice to the very idea, ideal and ideology of this four letter word. So here goes:

It's amazing to me how much one particular word can be used so frequently and unthoughtfuly and yet still retain all of its meaning when its power is finally and truly recognized. And the miraculous thing is, the realization of its flagrant misusage does not even touch the very tips of the fabric of ones awareness until he or she understands or feels it for what it truly is. What is even more amazing, (at least in my case) is the ability for this word to beseech me to take into account all of the times I have used it prior, only to distinctly conclude that my usage of it was in the right direction but in the wrong vicinity.

The crazy thing is I know that no matter how far in depth my explanations attempt to plunge, they are fated to merely skim the surface as far as this word is concerned. It seems to me to be one of those ideas that one could spend his or her entire life studying and eventualy die with the the realization that not even the beginning inquires had been completed. It boggles the mind and eludes common (and often uncommon) perception. It asks for nothing and necessitated everything, and at times it seems too much for me to sanely contain. This causes me to conclude that in order for me to keep what little sanity it has allowed me to retain (no matter how torn and convoluted) I must let some of it escape by sharing it. The good thing is that I have the ability to shape the way in which it is shared. The bad thing is I can't seem to allow myself to take the easy way out and share the less involved aspect of it (if there even is in fact such a thing).

But all in all I reckon that sharing this decidedly more personal area of my life is not so bad. I guess that just as is with everything else, a word (after a little mental finagling) can be explained or shared in ways that are not specific enough to be too uncomfortable/painful for the sharer and not cryptic enough for the sharee to be thoroughly confused/annoyed and eventually offended by. I guess I'll stop here if not for the sake of length then for the sake of my fingers.