It feels like it's time again. The weeks go by so quickly. School has started and I’m still in quasi-summer mode. The predictions I made in my last post have come true, and time has, seemingly, acquired a couple red bulls and sprouted wings. It's in the stratosphere somewhere and doesn’t seem to have any plans on coming back down. I'm doing my best to keep up.
I sat and talked last night for hours and couldn’t help but feel that I’d left the conversation with even less understanding than I started. So many things are going on in my life right now, all outward and inward struggles against the pressures of knowing my purpose of existence, and the only course of action left to me seems to be something that I’m not quite comfortable with.
Since the first (in retrospect forced) social interactions of my freshman year, I’ve been a fish out of water, flapping around, praying, waiting, struggling for the evolution that would transform my pitiful floundering into confident strides. Yet still I feel I’m outside of my box, both baffled by the realization that I am no longer completely content in my solitude, and shaken by the fact that I am uncomfortably inept socially, I sit, struggling to reenter against a sea of emotional backlash.
I've grown too much to fit in my box and have evolved too far to survive in the water. In nurturing one side of my life, another has died leaving "the point of no return" as its epitaph. I've been reborn and am forced to learn to walk again. Now, longing for companionship and desiring interaction, totally lost and strangely afraid, I am completely and utterly dumfounded.
Uncertainty is rarely comforting, and true change is never easy.