Tuesday, July 26, 2005

debilitating idleness...

I realize now that one can be inwardly bored while being the exact opposite outwardly. I was previously blaming this boredom, a lethargic anti-energy that engulfed my every move, on my lack of steady employment/mobile activity, but when I started to work 4 days a week I saw where I was mistaken. I realized that this boredom came form some place much more deeply rooted and long running. It apparently originated in the mental restlessness that was the unfailing boon of my quest to find what I truly wanted to do in life.

I didn't come to this realization right away of course. What is life if not a continuously increasing sequence of consecutive and varyingly conclusive attempts of trial and error? I did know that I was close when I tried to write this deep seeded boredom off as a result of exiting the intellectually stimulating atmosphere of college (that wasn't sarcasm, I promise) and entering the safe and familiar world of home. But as every child who argues with his or her parent about the various "almosts" and (later on in adolescence) "relativelys" of life knows, almost only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and anything that isn't exactly what a parent requires of his or her child.

After realizing the connection between this oft used statement and my current situation I soon stopped kidding myself and got down to the nitty gritty. It occurred to me that the mental complacency from which I suffered was indeed a result of me leaving a place that necessitated the admittedly draining activity of 'thinking', but it was not the express cause of my boredom. I eventually concluded that it was not the end but the means that bothered me. Needless to say this made me nervous. It implied that the severity of this need for constant mental activity/challenge would relegate the only contentment I would ever find to avoiding the things that were often associated with being content.

No wonder I can't decide what I want to do in life; I have an apparently ardent desire to continue the habitual search for the rest of it. I now have to figure out how to convince my subconscious that profession is not necessarily synonymous with pigeonhole (though it knows better) but is indicative of specialization which ultimately alludes to the opportunity for in-depth analyses. I guess it would help if the conscious part of me actually believed it as well.

Here’s to successful autopersuation...