Tuesday, March 08, 2005


I've arrived and have come to the point where the decisions I make now will become the crux of the remainder of my life. The past couple weeks have been trying and painful in that I have been forced, through specific circumstances, to make life, mind, and spirit altering decisions. I realize now that I hold a love hate feeling toward those particular types of decisions. In earlier posts it seemed as though I was almost complaining about the lack of struggle in my life, but I have come to realize that I merely need to look beyond what is immediately apparent in my life to find these struggles. I realized that struggle is so deeply rooted in my life that I have taken it for granted.

It is not my assumption that no one else goes through struggle, and I'm well aware that if there were a tree with post-it's of people's problems I would most likely be overwhelmed at the immensity of some and taken aback by the number of them all. I just figured that in trying to write down my feelings about my own, personal, internal, war I could somehow make steps toward adequately solving it.

All this to say, I'm torn between up and down, left and right.....correct...and incorrect. I can't seem to determine whether or not it is the deep turmoil that the problem causes or the diametrically apposed answers to the problem that troubles me so. I acknowledge the fact that neither solution will leave me completely satisfied with their respective results; it is only the possibility that one will leave me significantly happier that drives me to begin with.

If I could live my life in the gray area and be content I most definitely would, but I believe everyone would agree that living life in a state that is always awkward and uncomfortable is no life at all. However, I can't allow this to effect me in such a way that it consumes all of my thoughts and energy. I must strive to live in such a manner that leaves a door open for answers to come in their due time, without false persuasion by my desire to attain closure, and hopefully in doing so, I will reach a conclusion that is truly right.